she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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