meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
