There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
