Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
