smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
