Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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