my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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