A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
