Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
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What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
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Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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