After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood