If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
