new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
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I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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