He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
