I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Sext me about skeletons
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
