On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
