i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
