Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
