I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.