She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.