A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake