I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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