hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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