Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
