Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
