that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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