I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Randomize
