Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
