When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize