A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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