My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
