My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
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i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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