You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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