I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
