I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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