My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
