wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
