Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
