I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
As shirtless as possible
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
