remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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