at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
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Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
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Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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