Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
