i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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