i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have fence marks all over my body
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
