Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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