I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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