this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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