i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
