just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
