so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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