mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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