clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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