guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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