My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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