I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
