just come out here and I will go home with you...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
