i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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